The 4 Male Prime Directives

September 12 2008, 6:48pm

  1. Eat
  2. Sleep
  3. Nail
  4. Play GTA IV

Sometimes I like to think deeply about existential questions such as, "what drives me and the rest of malekind, what are the metaphorical goalposts for life, what are the basic necessities for living in this generation of ours" whilst eating a whole box of cereal in one go with my fists.

If I had to make a list of 4 "prime directives" for the human male in a Robocop stylee, what would they be? I wondered. Excluding silly classified get-out clauses for fatcat execs in cahoots with organised crime syndicates headed up by the dad from That 70s Show.

The above list is what I came up with and I think it's pretty accurate. I think it's reasonable to say that any activity you can name that a man partakes in can be shown as merely a means to an end to achieving one of the prime directives, when looked at from a more macro perspective. "Macro" in this case being a clever word that simply means "from so broad a perspective that it becomes trivial to relate any given reaction to any given action". But I think you'll find that if you look upon my theory from a more macro perspective, you'll find it to be both scientifical and correct.

In contrast, I don't claim to be an expert on the female, seeing as much of my interactions with females could be illustrated in a comic book style with a crudely drawn yongfook feigning interest and charm whilst a thought bubble above my head shows a big pair of boobs inside it; but I think the female prime directive list might look something like this:

  1. Blow the tiniest disagreements completely, maddeningly out of proportion
  2. Steal all the duvet
  3. Babies
  4. Shoes

Am I right or am I right? I'm right.

If you dispute my rightness, for either the male or female list, kindly suggest your 4 prime directives in the comments below.

In other news, this yoochoob vid has been cracking me up all week (watch it until the end):

How much do I want a discreet canister of that stuff? Flipping out on someone Beelzebub style has got to be the ultimate way to end those pesky tiny disagreements that get blown completely and maddeningly out of proportion.

"LOOK IT IS TOO LATE TO GO BACK AND ASK THEM TO VALIDATE MY PARKING NOW, THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE QUEUE AND I DON'T WANT TO PUSH IN. I WILL JUST USE THE MACHINE UPSTAIRS. AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA" /satan laugh