How to have a conversation with an ex-girlfriend in 10 simple steps
This post was inspired by a recent email conversation with an ex from a long while back, which I could literally start to see spiraling off into a deadly game of never-ending one-upmanship before my very eyes, with each consecutive email. I ceremoniously killed off the conversation by simply not replying after about 4 mails and to men from around the world, I implore you to do the same in such situations.
Alternatively though, you could follow this step-by-step guide to ensuring you have the most efficiently pride-regaining conversation with an ex as is physically possible without, say, killing her present boyfriend and eating his heart in front of her, then kissing her violently on the lips whilst pumping your fist in the air triumphantly:
1) Start off by…
…casually dropping in some kind of reference as to how “long ago it seems” since you both last talked. Sound nonchalant.
2) Then, subtley…
…mention an anecdote from a recent holiday, or say something like, “it’s funny you should mention that because they say the exact same thing in the Bahamas. I know that because I was there recently. In the Bahamas”.
3) Remember to always….
…refer to her new boyfriend by using “scare quotes” around his “name”.
4) Talk about…
…mutual friends as if they have been hanging out with you more.
5) At all times…
…talk to her face.
6) If you can’t do that, at least…
…refrain from saying anything like, “SO COME ON, TELL ME WHO FRICKS BETTER. ME OR HIM. ME OR HIM“.
7) Remember to…
…make references to anything interesting you do in your spare time (Chinese pottery, wine-tasting classes, betting on midget fights), which will rouse suspicions that your life is possibly much more fulfilling than hers.
8) Wherever possible, try to…
…accompany the phrase, “when WE were together…” with an eye-roll.
9) Casually remind her…
…that you are still in possession of hundreds of naked pictures of her. Maybe accompany this with some kind of pelvic thrust or eyebrow waggle, or perhaps sniff your index finger and give out a long, drawn out moan.
10) And always follow this one golden rule…
…never show any emotion. Don’t show that you were hurt by the breakup. Don’t show that you are interested in her current life. Don’t laugh at her jokes. Don’t laugh at your own jokes. If women are as inherently crazy as I have been led to believe considering the events of the past few months, this final step should drive her insane with passion and she’ll be grabbing at your balls again before you can say “Richard” with a scare-quote gesture for the 15th time.
In other news!
In amongst watching all my free time slip through my fingers as the various people I work under look at me wondering why I am looking at my hands instead of working, whilst they tap their feet and menacingly wield rolling pins like 1950s housewives, I’ve been playing with my new toy - my electric violin. Unfortunately though, whilst my new Yamaha SV200 is fantastic in that it enables me to practice with headphones on in my tiny, urban apartment in relative silence, it also sounds a bit like a crap, plastic kazoo that you might find at the bottom of a packet of cereal, when you plug it in to try to record anything digitally.
This has put something of a dent into my Christmas plan which was to record an album entitled “The 16-bit String Quartet” in which I would arrange a selection of video game music themes for a string quartet or trio and proceed to perform all of the parts by myself and mix it all together. Yes I know, you are either thinking how fricking awesome or thinking something like “why, yongfook, why no seriously why”. Anyway I started this last weekend but my progress was somewhat impeded by the fact that the sounds being recorded off my electric violin were far from sounding like the concert-hall quality renderings of a professional string quartet that I wanted them to be and were more like what you might hear if you got the cast of Sesame Street to hum music through a paper and comb.
If any readers of yongfook.com happen to be sound engineer professional-types, do you have any hints as to how I could get the tone coming from the electric violin to sound more, well, less crap? Obviously it’s never going to be as rich and alive as a normal acoustic violin, but anything better than the buzzy hums of Big Bird ‘n’ pals would be a start.
Of course you might all be asking “why don’t you just record your acoustic violin? cock” and the answer to that is my aforementioned tiny, urban apartment in Tokyo definitely has some kind of clause in the lease saying that I am not allowed to screech out the theme tune to Final Fantasy hundreds of times at full volume as I try for a decent take.
If any of you are interested in what things are sounding like so far, here is a sneak preview:
Preview:
http://www.yongfook.com/music/FFIV.mp3
In otherer news!
Some photos I took a couple of weeks ago with a twinkly winter theme. I rather like them. Click on any of them to go to the flickr page.
Granted, you see these yakitori lanterns all over Japan but none have been so exquisitely backlit with a sultry blue glow as this one from the notorious Love Hotel area in Shibuya called “maruyamacho”, which is about 5 seconds away from where I work.
More Shibuya lanterns yawn yawn blah. This happens to be one of my personal favourites though, in terms of night shots
Twinkly.
Twinkly 2.
Coming up some time in the near future: a food review and maybe a restaurant review! Probably! Perhaps! Whenever I get time to actually eat some food! Exclamation mark!
http://www.americancomposers.org/trueman_essay.htm
Can’t you make something like this?
Ok, either you are an ex who has gotten very clever with disguises or you’ve been giving him advice. So which is it? And do I need to change my identity to get away?
RAAAH!!!!!!!!111 :D :D :D
I found your preview to be quite lovely.
hey i am an audio engineer in las vegas, im sure i could help u work on yer sound… it sounds to direct… you need some sort of speaker emulator, not unlike a guitar amp emulator… whats your recording rig consist of so far?
Nice use of shallow depth of field in those shots :) Now sell that buzzy (really weird sound by the way) violin and buy some new lenses :D
Your violin’s pickups are exposed to the string’s vibrations directly. Since there is no resonator, you lose many of the added harmonics that make the violin sound like it does. The ideal way to fix this is convolution reverb. Convolution reverb uses sampled impulse responses (sounds so Star Trek) of resonators (usually spaces like concert halls) to mimic the sound you would get if a sound were produced in those resonators. That’s typically done by firing a starter pistol in the space and recording the reverberation. Now unless you employed “Fantastic Voyage” technology to crawl inside an acoustic violin with a tiny starter pistol to record the impulse response, this is impractical. However, you can do the same by playing a digital spike or a sine wave sweep with a speaker very near the violin in order to make its body reverberate, then use your mic to record the results. There is a very good convolution reverb in Logic 7, if you feel it’s time to upgrade from Garageband. There is also a rather nice plug-in called Altiverb that will do the same thing; you can use that in Garageband. Trouble is, as far as I know, the impulse response of a violin does not come with these convolution reverb plug-ins. But try googling “violin impulse response convolution.” Lots of interesting things there.
Alternatively, use some EQ to get some more bass and mids, and chorus to muddle up those super crisp waveform peaks.
I am not a sound engineer but I play one in a daytime drama.
unfortunately, your relationship tips hit close to home
How very sad you felt the need to “ceremoniously” kill the conversation and that you have to work so hard at regaining your pride. Obviously you have never recovered from losing her, and she finally discovered, “once a cheat, always a cheat”. Despite all your talents and successes, nothing has been able to convince you that you are okay as you are. You still have the need to be a dick, while pretending to think that your shit doesn’t stink. Stick to your talents and stop trying to prove yourself to the world - it’s such a cliche and you’re old enough to get beyond it - a new year is coming. Try being the nice guy you are inside and drop the fear of showing your emotions. You’ll find it works. This is not a fortune cookie.
I would’ve preferred a fortune cookie. “You will have a happy ending, but it will be messy”. etc.
Woah, notacreature’s not one of those “mutual friends” you were talking about, I guess. I personally enjoyed your relationship tips, although I tend to pump my fist in the air everytime a girl lets me come within a meter of her.
I AM SHAMELESS AND I LOVE YOU YONGFOOK WHY WON’T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND FUCK ME ALREADY OHMYGOD.
Bitch.
i say it sounds like you’re more than likely just plugging that viola into your computer and having at it, and it doesn’t work that way (much in the same way nintendo’s wireless network doesn’t work at ALL). You need an amplifier, maybe a small practice amp, to allow you to adjust the sound and tone BEFORE it comes into the computer. That’ll keep it from distorting and sounding like a kazoo.
I can’t believe I read blogs like this (and your’s too Fuckstress) AND enjoy them, and still dare to call myself a romantic.
Just listened to the preview and THANK YOU, you’ve given me a fantastic idea. Try everyone’s insighful ideas, we’re all eagerly awaiting the finished result.
Reminds me of Schindler’s List - very nice
So how is Cheryl anyway?
she’s very happy, bless her.
If she’s happy, then why not leave her alone and try to learn from a relationship that meant so much to you and that you fucked up so badly. Examine yourself, and stop recreating what you learned at home. Things can be different - you can be different. It’s the hardest and most challenging work you’ll ever do, but the only one that guarantees you happiness. Look at fam-really closely, and work to first understand him, forgive them and move on. You’ll be free and happy. Trust a stranger who knows more than you about this.
nice vibrato =)
cscused2b > I don’t really consider a momentary lapse of loyalty after 8 consecutive months of being thousands of miles apart a complete fuck up. Sure, I’m a twat for it, but I’m only human, so get off the fucking high horse. If anything, that relationship told me never ever to attempt a long distance relationship again.
I’m doing fine for myself now though, cheers for asking. You sound as if you know my current life inside out - truth is, what I post on my blog is only a tiny fraction, and a lot of the time just a parody of reality. If you actually believe I mean what I say in the “10 simple steps” above instead of taking it for what it is - a light-hearted jab at male/female interaction - then you either just don’t get my sense of humour, or you are one of those people for whom everyone else’s life has some kind of cause to champion, because your own is so dull and bereft of merit.
*BIG MASSIVE ROLLING EYES ICON*
Bravo, Y. Your “get a life” manifesto would seem to embrace those who read your shite blog as well. The web has metastasized the pathetic masses into full-blown loseurs. Look at yourself people, who cares how this bloke runs out his feckless days to oblivion? Says quite a bit about your own.
MASSIVE JERKING OFF ICON
Too bad you don’t consider it a major fuck up - look at what it cost - being adult is weighing the results before you act - you are human, albeit a selfish and immature one, and you paid big time. If all it taught you is to stay away from long distance relationships, you didn’t learn much at all. Another piece of advice, I don’t care if you’re writing comicbooks, taking pictures of naked ladies or playing the Kazoo - if you do enough of it, your true nature comes through - and you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure it out. Your choice of words, your self-involvement, your music, pictures you select, including the ones of you and Dad and Mum, all tell your story. I do find you fascinating - but I don’t judge my own life as “dull and bereft of merit” - although, you might. I have been happily married to my best friend/lover for more than 30 years, I have wonderful, bright children, close friends whom I adore and have also undergone lots of times that were not so wonderful. I am insightful, a gifted therapist and have a great sense of humor. By the way, I do appreciate your humor as well - except it is often transparent - another cue. I don’t mean to be hurtful, although I realize I’m being intrusive. I see an extremely gifted young man with so much going for him on many levels - but I also see an angry person with little understand of his own worth. I hope you learn to really love you because you have amazing potential for a remarkable life. I wish you a happy, exciting, fruitful and loving New Year (and I’m quite sure your cock is plenty big enough)
his cock isn’t big enough, isn’t that painfully obvious from the impromtu photos of these poor women on the street rather than those he’s, for instance, shagging?
as far as bitch above–let’s add one more to the list of people who need to calm down or move on. why don’t you go offline for your self-affirmation crap?
cheating is only bad if you’re caught, right Y?
Wow! I was going to ask if there might be a desktop version of that first lovely lantern photo (and technically, I still am)… but those comments are scathing! I love how people like to pass judgement on people they’ve never met — nothing better to do, it seems.
>yongfook: I pretty much do know your current life inside out
Wow, all this completely inappropriate comment on the lives of near strangers reminds of meals with my family!
“And good will toward men, for a child is born in Bethlehem.” Merry Christmas everybody, God bless us - everyone! :) xxx
Could somebody pass the gravy?
I have heard, cscused2b, that yongfook even eats babies. Trust me, the guy’s fucked in the mind.
Jesus! I mentioned the “C” (the six letter one.. and no, not ‘c#nted’) word in jest.
Cscused2b, I tried to read your own version of ‘War and Peace’ but all I was hearing was “blah, blah, blah… I have an enormous crush on Yongfook… blah, blah, blah”.
I did enjoy this part however, “I see an extremely gifted young man with so much going for him on many levels”. Are you sure you weren’t every highschool teacher I ever had… or Obi Wan Kenobi?
Guig, I also heard that rumour but apparently he’s never finished a whole baby!
If I beat off long enough, will my true nature come through? Or just lots of tiny half persons?
Congratulations, cscused2b, you’re a pompous git. My advice to you is perhaps to late but you really don’t want to be butting in like this. Trust me, it’ll all end in tears.
Do you ever get to the bottom of a web page and just feel bad for reading the whole thing? Me too.
Whoa! Pretty emotive stuff….comments…that is…Ok, everyone, you all need a big hug! Group hug! Come on! Group hug!….hey..hey…what the hell is that bulge poking me in the arse?
Sorry, Joseph. Anyway, the thing is, cscused2b is probably correct in his/her assessment of yongfook, but it doesn’t change the fact that he/she is 40-50 years old and analyzing a semi-web-famous twenty six year old who got popular talking about stabbing forks in his penis. I figure until you reach your thirties, all bets are off and you might as well fuck up as many times as you can.
Please stop all this hate, it makes Santa sad, and if Santa’s sad, it makes him feel like NOT wanting to give out gifts. And if I don’t get the baby seal he promised me I WILL HUNT and BURN you fuckers down or so help me god.
cscused2b - dude, you can’t claim to know a person from what you read in his blog.
Guig, well, only Yongfook knows his own motivation for saying certain things and his selective choices in sharing snippets of his life and persona with us net surfers. I did find cscued2b’s comments rather ‘heavy’; but again, as we all know, what is written in print is different then hearing the voice, the nuances, intonations, and verbal cues spoken words can convey.
Well, this is his website, he can set whatever tone and style that it should convey.
There is no denying he is a very talented individual. Most intelligent people I have met rarely have both the academic sense and pragmatic shadings in one package. For people who have both traits; sometimes do find it frustrating finding people who are not one dimensional.
Don’t know Yongfook’s past, but, hey, he is still a young man making mistakes. When you hit 30, your mindset does change. One’s view of the world is shed through a different prism.
I think Yongfook should take a trip to chill out from the bustle of Tokyo to Vancouver(http://www.pbase.ca/stock-photos-canada/vancouver/)…do the Grouse Grind (http://hiking.grousemountain.com/grousegrind)…checkout Granville Island. Myabe he can do the Grouse Grind in 45 minutes or less. The world’s record is under 27 minutes!
Better yet, Vancouver has a huge Asian population. Tons of Eurasian and Asian women there (if he is into that sort of thing): lots of famous Eurasians from Vancouver: http://www.mjpsi.com/ericm/files/natassia/index2.html, http://lexaonline.com/gallery/index.php?cat=3, http://www.kristinkreuk.cc/kknet/gallery/various/smallville_promos.shtml
He should come to Vancouver and get laid. Better yet come to Victoria and have his ‘tensions’ release at http://www.dermaspa.ca/Menu_pages/Staff.htm (I know the owner. I am sure I can arrange a special rate for him!)
Oh shit,….my ramblings…..too much idle time on my hands….
..erm that was a beautiful preview, can’t wait to hear the whole thing. Cookie, anyone?
Baby Jesus is crying :(
Do you live next door to him or something? No wait, you’re his mummy, right? I’ve got it, you’re part of the CIA and have cameras all over his apartment.
Relax dude.
blatantly yf HAS been using the acoustic violin and those ppl who “cussed” him are his neighhbours!
i agree with Paul Tan on this one. shame, someone creates a highly enjoyable product and someone (who also seems to enjoy it) has to be all smurgly. you make me laugh yf. nice job. you seem to have many excellent talents. i don’t know you and your life is your business. i don’t believe it’s possible to know anyone from just looking at ones and zeros. HEY, THAT WAS CLEVER, RIGHT??!! (echo) (echo) (echo)
Jesus christ, YF, I’m running out of baby seals! Get back to the food reviews. (And get a pre-amp for your violin)
I agree–no faggy pictures (”look at me, i’m beautiful”), no opining about your 1 relationship, stick to food reviews bloke or seals will continue to die.
blinks Right then… Scary as hell..the comments I mean. Nice pics tho. You take the pictures for all your articles ka?
i frankly don’t see what everyone’s hard-on is about this muscial dilettante who likes posting cliche night-lit shots from his canon like he’s fucking eggleston
“nice pics”? ugh
Wow. So many opinions, so few brains. Without even trying Yongfook divides the critics into a murderous for and against frenzies yet again. And I thought this was a fairly innocuous post. How dare you share your photos with the world and expect them to recognise that you are opening yourself up and that even if they’re not particularly interested the polite thing to do would be to say nothing at all?
Ever regretted adding the comments feature Jon?
10-steps: Bitter-sweet sarcasm. Irony is a bitch, I should know.
SV200 + YF = Vanessa Mae with a penis ;) I know I will burn in hell for it but I actually went to her concert years ago. I shit you not.
Comments: I laugh at self-righteous value judging cretins. AndyH is right: “So many opinions, so few brains.”
Three words. Thirteen inch penis.
I have one, and you don’t.
…and thats the moral of the story, large cock is very mad sex.
Mason - me thinks the faggy pics are for the fangirls :P
Nice photos! Your relationship advice still shows you have much growing up to do though. :P
re the violin — try a digital delay / reverb box. Christ, yer in Japan — you should be able to walk into any music store in the country and find about 8000 FX widgets. See if you can find a cheap FX unit that has digital delay and reverb (and it’ll probably offer chorus and umpty ump other effects as well) and toss it in-line.
You should probably oughta try not to get dependent on the triple-tap echo monster phlange w/ pitch bend patch, ya know? But some delay and reverb will really help to fill out your sound.
Oh yeah violin. Dude who mentioned preamp: thumbs up. Dude who mentioned speaker compensation: thumbs up. Also, depending on what software you use to record (if someone already mentioned this, please forgive, i didn’t read all the comments), eg, cubase (I use the H2O version, ie not full version) you can do these things (add reverb, speaker compensation) that will likely sound nicer than using cheap, semi cheap pedals to get the same effect. Just record, then process. I hate doing thigns this way (I’d rather use pedals or and a direct box, and adjust my tone to get something useable) but I think you’d be happy going this route. Then again I don’t know you. I’m sure you can find a version of Cubase to try, if you aren’t already using it, or something like it, and there should be two plugins already present for reverb, and speaker compensation. If you can’t find one, and want to try a version for Windows (egad!), email me.
I do all this for recording guitar btw. Results may vary. Nice pics. Fuckstress, wassup?
you look like ken hirai.
that is such rad advice. i like the mature references to overseas travel myself. like, im having a rad time in some tropical destination without you…bwa ha ha ha…do i spend ludicrous and unhealthy amounts of time thinking of you with some slut?…of course NOT! excuse me while i jump off a cliff. straightforward and spontaneuos communication is soooo great.
Funny how random people play right into the hands of those who simply itch to get the whole world involved in their own private business.
Nothing to see around here folks, move on, move on.
Nice photos BTW :)
I am really stunned to find your site listed as my 3rd choice…while doing a lifestyle change search. After only a brief forums oriented encounter with you….I find this really disturbing. MSN must have something mixed up. Much peace to you! Great photos from the Halvsie meeting too!
Angela
Where the fuck is the Food Reviews, the beers and the druken slurry stories?!
oh how difficult it would be to run a blog like this if you were a closet anoretic :P
I second the accusation that you look like Ken Hirai. And your FFIV violin short strangely reminds me of the music from that one Game Gear puzzle game.
Happy Valentines Day!
agreed with the long distant relationship thinggy … very hard indeed…
p/s damn am gonna buy the camera ur using … went i have enough money… heh…
any plan for the new years eve, love?
At the urging of some acting friends, I am considering doing some stand-up. Can I secure your services as a writer? Because this stuff is pure gold.
um… i was just wondering….
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR EYEBROWS? …sorry, was that a bad question… i mean, they look really scary and….ewww… do you pluck or wax them? just wondering, or were you born with them… hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha… they are sooo funny (eyebrows)….
um… yer, just wondering.
btw. haha just kidding.
“hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha… they are sooo funny (eyebrows)….”
That is a really erudite and interesting observation. Thank you for your input, I feel we have all been challenged and stimulated by your well-reasoned argument (sarcasm).
Why don’t you post a picture of yourself somewhere so we can make highly constructive comments like:
“BWA-hehahahahahahahe ha… they are so goatlike (breasts)…”
hurrrrrrrrrry up and UPDATE!
Happy New Year!! Your site’s cheered me up quite a few times this year, so thanks for that. Good Luck!
Happy New year.
Please update your site with some interesting stuff from out of your demented mind.
I spend far too long hitting F5 waiting for a new post.
All the best
Coder.Keitaro
nice to know that guys actually do feel emotion when they go through a breakup and that they may even (shock!) be actively trying to hide it. i will at least pretend that is true in my current situation, makes me feel better to think he is crying himself to sleep at night. seriously, i’m glad i chose today to catch up over here. and i still think YF should come to hawaii, not necessarily due to my newfound lack of boyfriend. . .
Come on, guys. All breakups are terrible. If we didn’t laugh at them we’d never stop weeping. The pictures and music prove that YongFook has an actual heart, instead of a little wad of tar as we might be led to believe by his other postings. And a soul, too!
I too have discovered that long-distance relationships suck, unless you follow three rules: 1. The relationship must already be in place before separating. No dating someone who already lives far away, or start dating just before you leave. 2. The time apart must be finite and with a definite end (and preferably under a year). For example: “I am going to Brunei for a training program in baby-eating for 6 months”. 3. There must be a solid, definite plan to rekindle and then move the relationship forward, as in “When I get back from Brunei we will take things slowly and after a while consider the possibility of moving in/getting married/making love without bags over our heads/whatever the next step might be. NOTE: this is not guaranteed to work. It just ups the chances a little more. I still think you’re the sexiest thing in Tokyo.
I love the list, but I have to agree that completely ignoring an ex is the best way to do it. Especially if she’s turned out to be slightly more than psycho.
(short comment from a reader)
been out of touch on reading people’s blogs for the last year. yours sadly fell into that group. sorry for that and for the split with Cheryl. going through a similar thing myself current.
–natis
YOU FUCKER! can’t believe you!
man.. i’ll try this. thanks for a great post.